Well, DAY ONE was full of mixed emotions. After very little sleep, it was a 4am wake up, rush to get ready and head to the airport. For the entire 2.5 hour drive I felt as though I may puke as so much tension built up in my chest, I felt like it could burst at any second.
As I looked at the driver’s seat to see the love of my life so calm telling me everything was going to be okay.. I felt an overwhelm of both gratitude and guilt. This incredible man was driving me to the airport so I can live out my dreams and I feel incredibly blessed to be with someone who truly understands me. The guilt came from the fact that we just moved into this beautiful country home and I can see our future together, yet here I am pushing the pause button to travel the other side of the world.
As I stared at that beautiful man I couldn’t hold back my tears, I was not ready to leave him. However, deep down I knew this is just something I have to do.. It’s a now or never sort of thing. I’ve always dreamed of backpacking and when your best friend puts the perfect opportunity in front of you.. You have to take it because who knows where we will be a year from now? Everyone’s getting engaged, having babies and life is moving so quickly! There might not be another chance like this!
Part of me wonders if it’s selfish of me to go, but if I can’t be selfish now, when can I? I feel as though this is something that has been itching at me for far too long and if I ignore it, I might wake up one day, two kids down the road and be filled with resentment for not living out my dreams when I had the chance.
The feeling of ‘what if’ is not one I like to deal with, so I packed my bag and decided to give this backpacking thing a go! As my heart ached while he drove away, I wanted to run away and forget this whole idea but as always, I heard that voice that told me I needed to do this.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder anyhow, right?
Traveling through airports alone can be lonely (especially when there is no wifi) and sometimes you have the pleasure of meeting random folks who have a great story to share. Today I had a lot of time to think, cry and reflect on my life. I also got to meet an adorable older couple who was landing in Honolulu to celebrate their 53rd wedding anniversary. The man was so proud as he showed off his wife and shared stories from their travels. Bless their hearts.. As they smiled at each other my heart felt so full and all I could think about was how badly I want that.
As I sit in my AirBnB awaiting my girlfriends to arrive, I feel a sense of calmness for the first time today. For the past few weeks people have said things to me like “you are so brave, I could never do that, etc etc” and I’ve thought a lot about these comments because I have never looked at myself as a brave person. However, after 24 hours of traveling through airports alone and having no cell service or wifi, I have faced a few moments when I had to decide if I had the courage and the faith to continue on my own. I decided to veer away from the original plan leave the airport and find my way to the AirBnB after seeing the girls flights had been delayed AGAIN. As my heart raced and negative thoughts filled my head, I had to decide that everything was going to be okay. People survived without wifi before right? LOL #millennial
So here I am, comfy in bed, ready for a much needed sleep before waking up in sunny Honolulu tomorrow.
LET THE ADVENTURE BEGIN. xo